2008 Woodie Awards
Drop the syllables, pick up da bling: How to be Gangsta
Rachel Gull/Staff Writer
Issue date: 4/3/08 Section: Lifestyles
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I'm talking the hip, modern gangsters who everyone idolizes. I'm talking Flavor Flav and Eminem. I am talking Kevin Federline.
These super-cool gangsters have inspired me, and with their influence, I have entered the first phase of gangster-hood. With a little help, you too can be gangster!
Learn the Language
The key to becoming a successful gangster is learning to communicate with other gangsters. If you have no idea what a fellow gangster is saying, you can't possibly become more gangster. These are some of the vitally important aspects of speaking gangster:
All word endings should be completely cut off and replaced with a vowel. For instance, the word "gangster" doesn't even belong in a gangster's vocabulary. The proper term is "gangsta."
Fellow gangstas can also be known as homeboys... sometimes shortened to homee, homee-G or homes. (Why any self-respecting gangsta would want to be named after a housing unit is beyond me).
Words can be given a suffix like 'izzle' or 'nizzle' in order to convince people of your ability to speak gangsta.
If you find that you are still having trouble with this new language, contact Adrian Jackson for one-on-one coaching. He often volunteers his time to work with the less gangsta.
Accessorize
In order to be a true gangsta, you must first look like a gangsta. The gangsta look is based entirely on accessories, like any fashion genre.
A cowboy hat or snowshoes will keep you from ever reaching your gangsta self.
In order to accessorize like a gangsta, you must discover the wonders of "bling." Bling involves wearing jewelry on every available part of your body, including your teeth.
One of the keys to being blinging, is realizing that bigger is better. The bigger a piece of jewelry is, the more it costs. If you are a little low on funds, do not despair.
You can always make your very own grill out of aluminum foil. Unfortunately, as with all cost-effective ideas, this one has a disclaimer. You must be cautious with this method, because the aluminum foil shocks your teeth upon insertion. This feeling is very similar to getting your mouth drilled by a dentist, but without the novocaine. Not that I covered my teeth with aluminum foil--but if I did, that might have been what happened.
Viewing Comments 1 - 6 of 7
Did you miss the memo?
posted 4/04/08 @ 2:49 PM CST
NO ONE idolizes Kevin Federline. They only mock him incessantly.
hmmm
posted 4/05/08 @ 11:02 AM CST
racist undertones anyone!?! you are so lucky simpson is 99% white... you are not funny and this article is mildly racist and offensive
NOT Racism
posted 4/06/08 @ 10:40 AM CST
Are you morons? No where in the article did they indicate racism. In fact if you read the first couple paragraphs I believe that 3 white people were mentioned. (Continued…)
Rachel Gull- The Writer
posted 4/06/08 @ 3:12 PM CST
I definitely did not mean to offend anyone through this article, and I hoped that was obvious. There are as many Caucasian "gangstas" now as African American. (Continued…)
Alum
posted 4/08/08 @ 1:01 PM CST
Rachel-
As a former Simp staffer who loved to piss people off with editorials, I'm glad you took a risk. I wasn't offended by the article and I only said that it toes the line because it wasn't in the editorial section, where it might have been viewed differently. (Continued…)
Rachel
posted 4/08/08 @ 2:02 PM CST
Thanks for your input and advice. I'll keep it in mind. :)
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